Have you ever felt like you lost yourself just to be accepted?
Like your real thoughts, emotions, and longings had to be tucked away so others wouldn’t pull away?
If so, you’re not alone, and you’re not broken.
Dr. Gabor Maté, a brilliant physician and trauma expert, says this isn’t a personal failing. It’s something most of us learned very young, in the very environment that was supposed to nurture us: childhood.
Let’s explore what he means, and how this early inner conflict continues to shape our lives, and how we can finally return to who we really are.
1. What Gabor Maté Says About Childhood and the Need for Attachment
From the moment we’re born, our first need is not for food or even safety, but for attachment.
We’re wired for love, connection, and emotional warmth. Like all mammals (and even birds), human children cannot survive alone. We depend completely on the people around us—not just physically, but emotionally. We need to feel held, seen, accepted.
This isn’t just a nice idea, it’s biological.
But Dr. Maté explains that we also come into this world with another crucial need: authenticity.
That is, the ability to feel what we feel… and be who we are. To be connected to our bodies, our intuition, our truth. To express it without fear.
Here’s where the trouble begins.
2. When Love Conflicts With Truth: The Loss of Authenticity
What happens if, as a child, we sense that being fully ourselves threatens our connection with those we depend on?
- If crying gets us scolded…
- If our joy is too “much” for our parent’s exhaustion…
- If our anger triggers shame or punishment…
We quickly learn: being authentic is dangerous.
So we bury the parts of us that feel unacceptable.
This is not a conscious decision. It’s survival.
We trade authenticity for attachment. We become what others want us to be, so we’re not left alone, unloved, or in danger.
And the world applauds us for it. We’re called “easy,” “well-behaved,” “mature.” But inside, something sacred begins to dim.
3. Growing Up Disconnected: The Cost of Self-Abandonment
Fast forward twenty or thirty years…
You may find yourself saying:
- “I don’t even know what I feel.”
- “Why do I always say yes when I want to say no?”
- “Why do I feel empty, anxious, or angry, even when things seem ‘fine’?”
This is the long-term cost of that childhood trade.
Maté points out that this disconnection from self often shows up as:
- Anxiety and depression
- Addiction (not just to substances, but to work, approval, social media, achievement)
- Chronic illness, as the body carries the stress of a divided self
We can spend our whole lives chasing validation, avoiding rejection, and wondering why peace always feels just out of reach.
4. Rediscovering the Self: A Spiritual Perspective
While modern psychology helps us name the wound, ancient spiritual traditions offer the path home.
In the Upanishads, the Self (Atman) is described as eternal, untouched, radiant. But we lose awareness of it when we confuse ourselves with the false identity we built to survive.
Zen Buddhism reminds us: “The way is not in the sky. The way is in the heart.”
The Buddha taught that suffering arises when we are out of alignment with our true nature. To wake up is to see clearly, to let go of the masks, and return to the quiet truth of who we are beyond conditioning.
This isn’t just philosophy. It’s healing.
5. How to Reclaim Your Authentic Self (Without Losing Love)
The good news is: we can gently unlearn this old pattern.
We can reattach to ourselves, while still staying connected to others who truly see us. Here are some powerful, heart-centered ways to begin:
- Mindfulness: Create space to observe your thoughts and emotions without judgment. Breathe into your truth, moment by moment.
- Inner Child Work: Speak lovingly to the parts of you that had to hide. Let them know it’s safe now.
- Spiritual Detachment: Loosen your grip on needing others’ approval. From the Bhagavad Gita: “You have the right to act, but not to the fruits of action.”
- Honest Expression: Begin sharing your real thoughts and needs—gently, with people who have earned your trust.
- Compassionate Boundaries: Saying no doesn’t mean you’re unloving. It means you’re finally loving yourself.
You’re Not Alone
This is deep soul work. But it’s also universal.
Every human being wrestles with the longing to be loved and the longing to be real. But true healing happens when we realize: the Self is lovable as it is.
You don’t have to choose between love and truth. The right relationships—spiritual and human—will hold space for both.
Have You Felt This Too?
We created the Mindfully Pure Forum so people like you could connect, share, and heal together.
Come tell your story. Others will recognize themselves in your words—and you may realize you were never alone in this journey after all.