As adults, many of us carry invisible wounds from childhood that shape how we navigate relationships, work, and even our inner world. Drawing from Dr. Gabor Maté’s insights, we learn that children face a profound conflict between two essential needs: attachment, the need for connection, love, and belonging, and authenticity, the need to feel and express our true selves.
When these needs clash, children often suppress their authenticity to secure attachment, a survival strategy that can persist into adulthood, leaving us disconnected from who we are.
This article explores why so many adults feel lost, anxious, or unfulfilled, and offers practical, compassionate steps to reclaim your authentic self while fostering healthy connections.
Why We Feel This Way: The Childhood Conflict That Lingers
As children, our survival depends on attachment to caregivers. Without love, care, and connection, a human child cannot thrive. But what happens when expressing our true feelings, anger, sadness, or even joy, threatens that attachment? Dr. Maté explains that many parents, often unintentionally, signal that certain emotions or behaviors are unacceptable.
Perhaps they were overwhelmed, stressed, or carrying their own unresolved trauma. As a result, children learn to suppress their authentic selves to maintain the love and security they need.
This creates a tragic tradeoff: to be loved, we abandon parts of ourselves. Over time, this suppression becomes second nature.
By adulthood, we may struggle to identify our feelings, set boundaries, or trust our instincts. This disconnection manifests in patterns like people-pleasing, fear of conflict, or staying in relationships that diminish us. It can also contribute to anxiety, depression, addictions, or chronic illnesses, as our bodies bear the cost of unexpressed emotions.
The good news? Healing is possible. By understanding these patterns and taking small, intentional steps, we can reconnect with our authentic selves and build relationships that honor our truth.
Recognizing the Patterns: How Childhood Shows Up in Adulthood
Here are six common ways childhood suppression of authenticity manifests in adult life, along with insights into why they happen and how to begin healing.
1. People-Pleasing: Saying Yes When You Mean No
What it looks like: You agree to requests, social plans, extra work, or family obligations, even when you’re exhausted or uninterested. Inside, you feel resentment, but you push it down.
“You were born with wings. Why prefer to crawl through life?”
— Rumi
Why it happens: As a child, you learned that being agreeable secured love or approval. Saying no felt like risking rejection, which your young nervous system perceived as a threat to survival.
How to heal: Start with small, low-stakes “no’s.” For example, decline an invitation with, “Thank you, but I’m not available.” Notice the discomfort and remind yourself it’s temporary. Your worth doesn’t depend on being endlessly accommodating. Over time, practice aligning your actions with your true desires.
2. Hiding Your Truth: Filtering What You Say
What it looks like: You censor your thoughts or emotions to avoid upsetting others. You might stay silent during a disagreement or soften your words to keep the peace.
Why it happens: If your emotions overwhelmed your caregivers as a child, you may have learned to become emotionally invisible to maintain harmony. This taught you that your truth is “too much.”
How to heal: Find safe spaces, trusted friends, a therapist, or a journal, to practice expressing your feelings. Use “I” statements, like, “I feel unsettled when plans change unexpectedly.” This builds confidence in sharing your truth without fear of rejection.
3. Shape-Shifting: Changing Who You Are to Fit In
What it looks like: You adapt your personality to match the people around you, joking with one group, serious with another. You rarely show your full self, and you may not even know what that looks like.
“It is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else’s life with perfection.”
— Bhagavad Gita 3:35
Why it happens: To secure attachment, you learned to mold yourself to others’ expectations. Authenticity felt risky, so you became a chameleon to feel safe.
How to heal: Pause and notice when you’re shifting to please others. Ask yourself, “What part of me feels unsafe right now?” Journal about who you are when you’re alone, your passions, values, quirks, and practice bringing those into small interactions. Reclaim your wholeness one step at a time.
4. Over-Explaining: Justifying Your Choices
What it looks like: You feel compelled to explain every decision, boundary, or emotion, as if your needs require a defense.
Why it happens: As a child, you may have been taught that your needs or boundaries weren’t valid without justification. This leaves you feeling your truth isn’t enough.
How to heal: Practice setting boundaries without explanation. Try saying, “That doesn’t work for me,” and stop there. Remind yourself that your needs are valid as they are. Over time, this builds trust in your own voice.
5. Clinging to Toxic Relationships: Staying Where You’re Diminished
What it looks like: You stay in friendships, romantic relationships, or family dynamics that criticize or drain you, even when you know they’re unhealthy.
“Don’t get lost in your pain, know that one day your pain will become your cure.”
— Rumi
Why it happens: You internalized love as conditional, something you must earn by tolerating pain. Letting go feels like losing a piece of yourself or facing abandonment.
How to heal: Reflect on what you believe you’re gaining from these relationships. Ask, “What part of me thinks I deserve less than respect?” Seek connections that uplift you, and consider professional support, like therapy, to explore why you stay in harmful dynamics.
6. Avoiding Conflict: Fearing Disagreement at All Costs
What it looks like: You feel intense anxiety when someone is upset or disagrees with you. You’ll sacrifice your needs to restore harmony, even at great personal cost.
Why it happens: Childhood conflict may have felt like a threat to attachment, teaching you that disagreement equals danger or abandonment.
How to heal: Reframe conflict as an opportunity for connection, not collapse. Start with low-stakes disagreements and practice staying grounded. For example, say, “I see it differently, and I’d like to share my perspective.” Over time, you’ll see that healthy conflict can deepen relationships.
The Path to Healing: Reclaiming Your Authentic Self
Healing isn’t about blaming our past or our caregivers, it’s about understanding how early experiences shaped us and choosing to rewrite the story.
“The Self is not born, nor does it ever die… it is unborn, eternal, everlasting, and ancient.”
— Bhagavad Gita 2:20
Here are practical steps to begin:
- Cultivate Self-Awareness: Set aside time to check in with your body and emotions. Ask, “What am I feeling right now?” Journaling or mindfulness practices can help you reconnect with your gut instincts.
- Honor Your Emotions: Your feelings are messengers, not threats. When you notice a strong emotion, pause and name it without judgment. For example, “I’m feeling anxious” or “I’m angry.” This builds trust in your inner world.
- Set Boundaries with Compassion: Boundaries aren’t walls; they’re acts of self-love that create space for authentic connection. Practice saying no with kindness, like, “I care about you, but I need to prioritize my energy right now.”
- Seek Safe Connections: Surround yourself with people who celebrate your authenticity. A therapist, support group, or trusted friend can provide a space to practice being your full self without fear of rejection.
- Embrace Small Risks: Authenticity grows through action. Share an honest opinion, express a need, or let yourself be seen in a new way. Each step rewires your nervous system to trust that you’re safe being you.
- Be Patient with Yourself: Healing is a journey, not a race. You may slip into old patterns, but each moment of awareness is progress. Celebrate your courage to choose yourself.
A summary of the key patterns and healing steps outlined in the article:
| Pattern | Signs | Why It Happens | Healing Steps |
|---|---|---|---|
| People-Pleasing | Saying yes to requests despite feeling resentful or exhausted | Learned that being agreeable secures love; saying no felt like risking rejection | Practice small, low-stakes “no’s” (e.g., “I’m not available”). Embrace discomfort as temporary. |
| Hiding Your Truth | Censoring thoughts or emotions to avoid upsetting others | Emotions overwhelmed caregivers, leading to emotional invisibility for safety | Express feelings in safe spaces using “I” statements (e.g., “I feel unsettled when…”). |
| Shape-Shifting | Adapting personality to fit different groups, rarely showing your full self | Molded self to others’ expectations to secure attachment | Notice when you shift; journal about your true self and bring it into small interactions. |
| Over-Explaining | Justifying every decision, boundary, or emotion | Taught that needs or boundaries weren’t valid without explanation | Set boundaries without explanation (e.g., “That doesn’t work for me”). Trust your voice. |
| Clinging to Toxic Relationships | Staying in critical or draining relationships despite harm | Internalized love as conditional, fearing abandonment | Reflect on what you gain from the dynamic; seek uplifting connections and professional support. |
| Avoiding Conflict | Feeling intense anxiety during disagreements, sacrificing needs for harmony | Conflict felt like a threat to attachment in childhood | Reframe conflict as connection; practice low-stakes disagreements with grounded responses. |
The Spiritual Invitation: Becoming Whole
Dr. Maté’s wisdom reminds us that authenticity isn’t just a personal desire, it’s a survival need, hardwired into our being. When we suppress it, we pay a price in our mental, emotional, and physical health.
“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.”
— Carl Jung
But when we reclaim it, we step into a life of alignment, where our relationships reflect our truth and our inner world feels like home.
In the words of the poet Rumi, “Beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.” That field is your authentic self, a place of wholeness, where you are free to feel, express, and love without losing yourself.
Join the Journey
Healing is a shared path. In our Mindfully Pure Forum, you can connect with others who are unlearning old patterns and embracing their true selves. Share your story, ask questions, or simply listen, your presence is enough.
What’s one small step you can take today to honor your authentic self? Your truth is waiting to be seen.